Friend

^-^ Well today i have found a little hope. Since i have found something in you that you may have long forgotten or rather discarded... love. Its not profund i mean it'll be a while before your heart fully heals, but i saw the chance that you could be happy again, that is my hope anyway.

I can't stand to see you in the state your in. Its difficult to imagine you ever having a easy life, since you have hardships. You know that no matter what size problems people have if left alone, and allowed to grow they only grow worst. If i can just make you a small bit happier day by day thats fine. Untill the day when you can enjoy your life without a mask, with no barriers, just your smile.

So even if it is too late for this chapter of your life i hope one day you'll find happiness. If ever you need help just send me a text, call, comment, im, anything you want. I'll be here. Please don't let yourself be controlled by this sadness. I hope you will find your "love", one you can believe in.

Coward

HOLY SH*T!!! I just got the news that North Korea may be targeting Hawai'i to test their latest nuclear missles... So i get the general concsense that I should'nt worry about it because they would be crazy to do it, problem is they might be crazy. I mean yea we can annilahate them, but a nuke would KILL ALL OF US.

Really do you know how much pain and suffering a nuke can cause. The lucky ones would be inncinerated instantly. Everyone else will burn slowly, ur skin will literally melt off, eyeballs would boild; and your mouth could even be melted together. Not to mention even if not in the blast radius the debris can still radiate and kill, the enviroment and all its people.

So I may be over concerned but dam i do not want to underestimate the pure destructive force of a nuclear bomb.

Good bye

Today is the last day of a long lasting friendship. It's sad that it has to be this way, and i really hoped to work it out. However at the moment the plot is too thick and needs time to settle. One day hopefully things can return, in some form. Since it's never been normal i cant say return to normal... but one day i hope to regain your trust =).

I didn't want to do it but i know that it will be easier for her. I made the descision that would have hurt her too much to do. But, i dont want her to think i did it for the wrong reasons. Just want for her to be happy. If that means i remove myself from the picture, so be it.

So this is my last farewell. Till we meet again, know ill always be here when the time comes when we can be friends again. Good bye

Foolish Heart

I know for sure that my heart is not able to chose what will bring me happiness. Everything i have can make me happy to some extent. The only thing is what will i give up if i pick one thing over another. Will i be less happy? Or maybe ill lose something i wanted to keep. It is never that simple. Nothing is ever gonna go as planned.

That's what is great about life, the twist and turns. However i don't want to end up hurting anyone by the choices i make, and the ones that are made for me. Sometimes its not about me or anyone but rather the events that bring us together, or tear us apart. These events may be planned or just happen. Any way it happens, and we have to deal with it.

So my heart has decided that i cannot let go of everything yet. I still need to be sure that it won't work. It is to early to toss away a good thing. My heart may be unable to think well, and confuses my brain to every extent. But i still trust it. Those are my genuine feelings, and sometimes you just have to trust your heart.

I'll find my way. Along the way i hope to find the people who would join this journey of adolescence with me. This summer, its time to mend bonds that have been neglected for too long.
It is time for a change, for better or for worst and no matter what ill follow the path that has been chosen.

Idiot...

OK... um... I'm confused now. I was depressed. Now I'm not, and feel dumb for feeling depressed...
sooooo... i don't think this is normal.
LoL...

well. I have a strange reason of countering what i say right after i write it. Maybe I'm letting myself get too involved with these petty issues. Since i am happy. Just I'm not normal, i think.
It doesn't make sense to me anymore. I want someone to know i was depressed. Yet i don't think i am? Am I?
If i label them petty though they'll grow again and I'll be sad. Doesn't make sense anymore. It is never simple is it?

Tomorrow I'll probably be happy. Have some problems with my two test, spend time with my girl, be happy and annoyed. Or maybe we'll just have fun. I don't know. I know ill talk with my friends. Play in band class in preparation for grad... But none of that would make me sad.

I make myself sad. Yet i cheer myself up too...

I need to know if this is normal... or if i need help.

Shapeshifter

I find myself at the point in which i have lost all sense of self... Now i just take the most convenient form for the moment of which I'm in. It seems i have lost the ability to return to my normal self. Seeing as i forgot who i am.

My heart is broken, my soul is missing, and my mind is twisted. I love my girl but... i don't at the same time. No. I do love her, but im starting to doubt if i'm strong enough to stay with her. Maybe its not about my strength, but wether the relationship is good for me. I won't lie i have been depressed in the recent months. However it isnt her fault, its mine.

I tried so hard to make myself the perfect guy for her. By doing that i changed how i think. I fear that i may not be able to find myself anymore if i were to ever be seperated from her. What hurts the most though is i can't hurt her. So even though im not happy in the relationship i love her too much to hurt her.

It is not possible for me to do that again. I already hurt others whom i loved. Slowly their memories ate at my soul, till it no longer exist. My heart is breaking while i say these things about the girl i love, and my mind is twisted and cannot be fixed...

I'm a mess.

Struggle

Man i have weird mood swings... well its not really a mood swing more like i keep things in way to long. It shouldn't be that way, but i am jus an idiot sometimes. >.> well its something i have to work on ^-^

Feel better now, happy again lol >.<
yes i change moods very fast. Then again i had a counselor.

Internal Pessimist

The stress from the group project has caused me to retract into myself and find everything i believe is wrong with me. Of course as a psychologist i know this is a normal response. However i tend to keep everything inside until it gets so server i burst. Which among other things leads to depression and social awkwardness.

Still i don't want to have other people to see my chinks. Only when I'm cornered would i admit it. But i guess i want people to corner me to get me to say it. Only subconsciously though, outwardly i want no one to know my problems. Depression is easier to me then telling people my problems.

Everyday i deal with other people with problems, the last thing they need is my problems along with it. So this is just me venting. Don't worry im not always depressed... to my knowledge. And you can always count on me to be positive outwardly. So dont worry yourself

Optimist

Its been a while since i have been positive about anything really. Battling bouts of depression and constant insecurities have really done a job on my mind. Surprisingly the cure was to become sick enough to be stuck at home for a couple of days.

Along with the help of my family and friends.

However when stuck at home with basically nothing to do (since my headaches made almost everything a burden) i lay down and thought. The thing is that it wasn't the annoyance at being sick or the pain of having a project due on Thursday (which is a group project so i sure as he** am gonna finish), but instead i realized how much the people around me cared about my well being.

My girlfriend called me all the time and continually worried about me. Witch was actually a good thing. Parents cared for me even with the risk of catching my cold, which would mess things up pretty badly. As well as my friends who demonstrated that they don't want me to "Die on us"...

Without the stress from school, i think my life will be a lot easier. Until then ill just have to count on the people who care about me.

Psychologist

Today i realized how fast peoples worlds can change. Its possible that one person will totally lose themselves when confronted with a problem. No matter how small everything is significant to a persons future.

The past and present are always fusing together becoming one. This allows people who pay attention to learn from the past. These are psychologist. They analyze the world through set ideals that most people follow.

My problem is that even if i can analyze someone, even offer advice i can't be what they need. When anyone has a problem they need a friend, lover, family, someone who can show compassion. Who will feel what that person is feeling.

I want to be able to help everyone but i have borders i can't cross. It hurts watching someone else suffer and not be able to do anything. So what no matter what i must find a way to help them move on to their future. Living in the past will only damages the future. But the easiest escape from the present is to jump back into the past.

Confused Friend

"Its Incomplete"

Times in our live we find that we face a difficult situation. In my case it involves a good friend of mine. We have a history together, bittersweet sure. Still i can't deny that i do need to keep them as my friend. Its like I'm a puzzle and their a peace to it, just doesn't feel right without them there. I would do anything for them, but talking to me seems impossible.

Every time they try, something happens. Its like something is preventing them from being able to talk to me. Just like me they too are a puzzle, and I'm missing a lot of the pieces. In time those pieces will become available to me, and both of our puzzle completed. Maybe then everything might fall into place.

Stressed out Teenager

Today i had a field trip to the medical college. It offered a great display of the medical field, an incredible campus, and amazing student body. All in all it was a great place. Only problem was getting there took way to much time and effort

Idk why it bothers me since i didn't have much of a desire to sit in class anyway, but i could have been using that time for a more productive purpose. Public transportation is just not prepared to take a class of 38 students and 3 supervisors.

At least it gave me some time to think. I realized in the past months that i was depressed and starting to fall deeper into myself. Outwardly nothing changed but, inside i was crying for help. Still no matter how much i wanted someone to help me my inability to give other people my problems. Everyone is troubled by something, and they usually tell me for some reason. So i do my best to help them out. This apparently gives off the impression that i have no problems. Which is not even close to the truth.

Pressure from school drives me to the edge to get good grades. I have basically no self esteem, and an inferiority and superiority complex. Not to mention 1 of 4 sentences i speak have a lie somewhere in them.

And when everything starts to crumble i breakdown and just stop functioning. So from now on i plan to vent my frustrations out through this blog. And let the world see the mind of Todd Jones.